- Friendship issues your child may face in preschool
We all want our children to be successful and content in life. Friendships are an important aspect of a happy and fulfilling life. However, children are not born with social skills. They need to learn them over time.
In this course, we will be discussing how to help children foster friendships when they are younger, and how to deal with various friendship issues – such as what to do when your child has no friends, inappropriate friends, and broken friendships.
We will also address typical bullying behavior in boys and girls, signs that your child is being bullied, and what to do about it.
Let’s get started by looking at friendship issues your child may face in preschool.
Relationships in Preschool
Children start formulating friendships when they’re old enough to speak and listen. In the preschool years, roughly three to six years of age, most of the time they are not too particular about who they decide to be friends with. They are mainly interested in having fun and enjoying shared activities together.
Sometimes those friendships can get into trouble if one child is more aggressive or domineering than another. There can be hurt feelings and tears if things don’t go their way. On the other hand, children learn to negotiate relationships based on wanting to be friendly in order to get what they desire most. In this case they will be willing to compromise, take turns and agree to do activities even if they are not that crazy about them, in order to keep the fun going.
At this age, there is no deep emotional connection or degree of trust and loyalty. Everyone is out to enjoy themselves and be happy. This is one of the easier stages of development because children don’t tend to discriminate or make fun of others. They accept one another for who they are, and everyone is welcome to join in. It is only later that they might start to discriminate due to skin color, disabilities, designer versus non-designer clothes, and so on.
The relationships formed from the age of three upwards has been shown to be crucial for later success in developing harmonious friendships. Yet up to 10% of children struggle with relationships at this age. If you’re concerned your child is falling behind, try to give them as many chances as possible to mingle with other kids in a variety of settings, and they should soon be able to negotiate the trickier aspects of getting along with others.
2. Common friendship issues for elementary school-age children
Relationships in Elementary School
As children reach school age, they are exposed to a much wider number of friendship opportunities and will start to become more selective about who they decide to spend time with. This will broaden their horizons and help them understand the value of positive friendship-related qualities, such as trust and loyalty.
On the other hand, children in this age group are still inherently selfish and are really mainly interested in what the friendship can do for them, rather than what they can offer the friend. As long as the relationship leans towards the positive side, with rewards for your child, the friendship will continue. If things start to get negative because your child isn’t getting everything they want, the friendship may end.
This may sound opportunistic, but children will “bargain” that they will be a person’s friend if they do what they want them to do. This can lead to more impressionable children being led astray if they are not careful.
At this point, your child will also start to understand that there are other points of view than his or her own. This can be very disturbing for them and cause conflict. On the other hand, it also allows them the opportunity to learn respect for other points of view and an appreciation of others as individuals.
As they move from kindergarten to sixth grade, so too do they move from a tolerance of everyone to a more discriminatory mindset. This will be based in part on parental attitudes, and in part in what they hear from their peers and see them do. They might join in to make fun of others in order to be accepted by the friends they wish to keep, or they may have a clear sense of right and wrong and not ridicule those with disabilities or different races and backgrounds.
For the most part, they are “rule minded” and care about being fair, following rules, playing games correctly and not being a sore loser or cheater. This sense of fair play can put them in good stead as they advance in their school career and on into their adult life.
3. Typical friendship issues kids face in middle school
Relationships in Middle School
We can generally define middle school as grades 7 through 9 according to the US system. This means children from roughly the age of 11 to 13 or 14. Some students stay in their elementary school until 8th grade and then start high school in 9th grade as freshmen. Other students leave their elementary school in 6th grade, go to a separate middle school in 9th grade and then join high school in 10th grade as sophomores.
Each of these models can pose certain issues. For example, moving to any new school can always test existing friendships and force the child into needing to form new ones. If everyone is moving to the same school, it may not seem like such a big deal, but it can also stop them from getting to meet a wider circle of people. Moving from a “senior” and the top of the totem pole in 6th or 8th grade, to a “freshman” in their new school can also be difficult and make them unsure of where they are in the pecking order.
Middle school is a tough time in the life of any child. On the one hand they are leaving behind their babyhood of elementary school, but on the other hand they are not quite old enough for high school. Depending on your child, they might want to be more mature and adult than others. This can bring them into conflict with you and their friends.
They might hang out with a whole new crowd because they think they are cool. They might also reject their existing relationships because they think that the things that they do together are too babyish.
At this age, children learn more and more about mutual cooperation. They are still interested in fairness and playing by the rules. Social acceptance becomes much more important. Nobody likes to feel left out or socially isolated, or as if something is wrong with them.
Children can therefore start becoming more judgmental, labeling things good and bad, even though in many cases they are just different. They judge themselves harshly as well. They might become very self-critical, thinking their clothes or hair are not good enough compared to those of other children.
They might also form secret clubs or societies in order to keep themselves within a framework of rules and keep other people out.
Fortunately, this stage does not last a very long time, but it can be hurtful to anyone who feels like they have been excluded from the club.
4. Friendship problems commonly found in high school children
Teen rebellion is a common stereotype in the US, and with good reason. Teens want to be independent and spread their wings. They often try to act older than their years, and allow others to persuade them to behave in inappropriate ways. By the time children reach the upper grades of middle school, they can start to become exposed to adult aspects which they are not prepared for – such as smoking tobacco, drinking alcohol, or even underage sex. The risk increases with every new school year.
That being the case, it is important for parents to monitor their children’s friendships through open and honest communications, without trying to dictate who to hang out with.
Relationships in High School
The friendships that children form in their teen years can often be the foundation for successful adulthood friendships. On the other hand, they can also be a chance for them to go off the rails.
Every parent raises their child according to their own set of standards, so it is important to try to maintain those standards without driving your child away. One of the best ways to do this is to have an open house policy in which was all of your child’s friends are welcome, no matter how much you might disapprove of them.
In this way, you can keep an eye on what they are doing. You can also try to ensure that some of your important values rub off on the other children. This is not to say that you should be judgmental or interfering. However, some children are not fortunate in their parents and might not know any better, so you can become a positive influence in their lives. You can learn a lot about your child’s friends when you drive them back and forth from soccer practice or to the school disco.
Trying to prevent your child from spending time with these friends will only encourage open defiance or secret sneaking around, which is the last thing you want if you wish to stay close to your child and keep them safe and well.
Studies have shown that families who eat dinner together at least three nights a week are much closer and the children are much less likely to experiment with tobacco, alcohol, illegal drugs, or underage sex. That being the case, it’s important to encourage friendships which support your child in a positive way, with people who are loyal and trustworthy and not trying to lead them astray by peer pressure.
One other important thing to watch out for in terms of high school relationships is bullying. We will discuss this later in this course. For now, it is important to consider the best ways to help boost your child’s self-esteem so they will be less likely to fall prey to bullying.
5. Tips for what to do when your child has no friends
Now we going to talk about what to do if you feel that your child has no friends. It is more common than you think. Studies have shown that up to 10% of children have trouble forming friendships even as early as the age of three. If they have trouble at that point in their life, then it makes it more difficult for them to enjoy successful friendships later on.
Different Friendship Styles
No one can live completely on their own; everyone needs friends to give them emotional and practical support. However, it is important to note that some people have different friendship styles than others. Some children are very outgoing and make friends wherever they go. They like a large circle of acquaintances and are the life of the party.
Other children tend to have only one or two select friends that they have very close relationships with. There is no right or wrong way to approach making friends. The important thing is to make sure that your child is not completely friendless as they grow up.
Tips on How to Help Your Child
The best way to help your child form meaningful friendships is to expose them to a range of social situations. For example, if you have more than one child, you can encourage friendship between them rather than rivalry. If there is a number of years separating them, allow the younger child to tag along sometimes, but also encourage each to have their own separate friends.
Activities include meet-ups at the playground, play dates at your or the neighbor’s houses, and group activities. These might include church or community groups, sports clubs, or other special interest groups like dance, chess and so on. Finding activities that they enjoy is often a way to form lasting friendships.
You can also have an open door policy in your house where anyone is welcome to come and visit. It may make it more difficult for you to be the unpaid neighborhood child minder, but on the other hand, you will always know where your child is and who they are associating with.
If your child tends to be rather shy, it’s important to talk to them about it in a non-judgmental way. Shyness is often the result of self-consciousness, but it can also be caused by fear. Telling children what to expect when they go into new situations can often help them negotiate them successfully.
6. Tips for what to do when your child has inappropriate friends
“Inappropriate” can mean different things to different people. The criteria should be to encourage friendships which allow our children to be safe and happy. Above all, we want to protect them and make sure that they don’t make any mistakes which might be difficult to rectify.
Every family is different, but it is important to remember that children get their values from you first when they are young, and are then exposed to different values as they get older and spend time with their peers. But you are the parent, so you set the tone.
Finding a Happy Medium
Some parents are helicopter parents who hover over their children. Others take the opposite tack and let their children pretty much do whatever they want to. There needs to be a happy medium.
Unfortunately, children whose parents tend to let them do whatever they want can often go off the rails and be a bad influence on other children. They can encourage them to behave in inappropriate ways, such as trying cigarettes, illicit drugs, alcohol, or even underage sex. They can encourage them to play inappropriate video games, watch movies with adult content, or read books and magazines that are best suited to adults rather than children.
It is the job of every parent to help their child grow up into a successful, confident adult who can be independent and who is surrounded by supportive and positive relationships. These days, falling in with the wrong crowd when younger can often have serious consequences that might haunt them for the rest of their lives. For example, if they spend time with a gang, or a group of people who “dare” them to behave in an illegal manner such as fighting, shoplifting, or vandalizing, this can put their entire future in jeopardy if they end up with a criminal record.
Therefore, it is important for parents to not try to choose their child’s friends, but to make it clear what the family rules are and the punishments for transgressing them.
One of the best ways to avoid the issue of inappropriate friends is to allow your child to bring home anyone they wish. We’ve mentioned this before in other contexts, and it’s worth repeating. In this way, you can keep an eye on them to make sure they are not doing anything inappropriate. In some cases, you can also take a rough diamond and smooth and polish it by demonstrating what good parenting is all about. Children can sense that your concern is genuine and will respond to it.
The one thing you should NEVER do is try to ban anyone or forbid your child from associating with another – no matter how inappropriate you find them. They will either defy you to you face, or sneak around behind your back – both of which can dent the good communication you should have with your child no matter what their age.
7. Tips for what to do when your child wants to end a friendship
If they decide to end the relationship with a friend because they feel they are inappropriate to spend time with, that is one thing. But in some cases, children can fall out over the least little thing and make a mountain out of a molehill.
When children are younger, they might be friends one minute and enemies the next. As they get older, they might become more selective about who they spend time with – in which case, the friendship might simply fizzle out.
However, in other cases, the friendship might end more dramatically. Your child and their friend might have a serious disagreement. Or your child might feel the other person has done something so terrible it is unforgivable.
How to Help Your Child
In this last example, it is important to get to the bottom of what might have happened so no lasting hard feelings dent their trust in friendships. Listen to your child’s point of view and empathize with their feelings, but do not encourage them to cut people out of their lives until they are sure of all the facts.
Human beings can often jump to conclusions about things, or even be misled. In the case of jumping to conclusions, for example, they might see photos of their friend’s birthday party and be hurt that they weren’t invited. But it might have been for family and the next-door neighbors only.
Another so-called friend might tell your child that person C said such and such about him or her, when it isn’t true. They might have misheard or misrepeated, or are simply trying to cause trouble. The next thing you know, things start to get out of control.
The most important thing about friendships is open and honest communication. If your child is thinking of dumping a friend because of some perceived slight, encourage them to talk to the person about how they feel and get the other person’s point of view before making any decision.
In many cases, the friendships they have when they are young will not endure until adulthood. However, having successful friendships does set a pattern for successful adult relationships.
8. Typical bullying behavior in boys
As a result of bullying, friends can become enemies and friendships can break up. It could be that one person is being bullied, but the other so-called friends refuse to stand up for them and allow the bullying to occur and/or to continue.
Bullying is becoming an increasing problem in modern society, especially amongst school-age children. While it is true that adults can also be bullies, the impact of bullying on younger children and teens can be devastating. Due to the increase in bullying-related suicides in recent years, school officials, teachers and parents have all become more aware of the devastating effects of bullying in person and cyberbullying online.
In some cases, children have bullied other children. In other shocking cases, adults have encouraged their children to bully other children, and even participated in the bullying themselves, driving the victims to commit suicide.
This devastating waste of young lives can be prevented if everyone agrees to establish a message throughout society that bullying is not acceptable and there will be consequences.
In some cases, it is easy to spot bullying. In other cases, it can be quite subtle. But make no mistake – whether it is physical, or more psychological and emotional, bullying is dangerous and needs to be dealt with.
Typical Bullying Behavior in Boys
Boys and girls tend to bully in different ways. For boys, the usual way is physical bullying and intimidation. Boys tend to be more aggressive than girls and will therefore take out their frustrations and resentments on other boys by thumping them.
Boys who bully will often witness physical and verbal violence or aggression at home. They might even be bullied themselves. They have a positive view of bullying as enabling them to get what they want, and in some cases, might even act aggressively towards adults.
They are often physically strong and may be popular among their peers, and/or feared. They often have trouble following rules and have little concern for other people.
They often have a high opinion of themselves, sometimes an overinflated one. They like being the boss and being superior to others, and enjoy making people dance to their tune. They have little understanding of how their bullying impacts others negatively.
Physically bullying will often result in trouble at school, and can cause suspension, expulsion, and poor grades or even dropping out. Bullies are more likely to get involved with crime and fighting later in life, and studies show they are more likely to use drugs compared with their peers.
9. Typical bullying behavior in girls
The “Mean Girls” stereotype has become more prevalent in modern society as girls try to assert themselves in a more aggressive manner, which tips over into bullying behavior.
Typical Bullying Behavior in Girls
Some girls will physical bully other girls, or even boys their age or younger. But by far the most common form of bullying by girls is what we can term emotional and psychological warfare.
One aggressive boy tends to bully on his own. Girls tend to bully in groups. They will often use exclusion tactics, encouraging others to ignore the bullying victim. They might also make the victim seem like an outsider if they are not wearing the right clothes or are not part of the cheerleading squad or other “cool group” in school.
They will whisper about them in front of them and deliberately not include them in activities or invitations. All of their efforts are to make the victim think they are not “good enough” in some way or that there is something wrong with them.
By the time children get to middle school, they long to be part of a group and valued, so this type of bullying can be extremely negative and undermine their confidence. It will be even worse if it comes from a girl or group that the victim was once a part of.
Verbal harassment to the victim’s face is typical, but so too is spreading rumors (especially of a sexual nature) about the victim.
Studies have shown they will also use anonymous phone calls, emails or social media posts to harass their bullying victim. They plan cruel jokes and pranks in order to embarrass or humiliate the victim, and will take photos or make up lies that they will spread to make the victim seem as ridiculous as possible.
Other tactics girls use when bullying include name calling, and mocking the victim in front of their peers, even in class, and/or pretending to be their friend one minute and turning against them the next. If they gain any confidence while they are pretending to be the victim’s friend, they will then blab those secrets.
These groups of girls will usually single out one person as the victim, but will turn their attention to others who try to defend the victim.
It can take a lot of self-confidence for a young person to withstand this barrage of abuse, but it can be done if you foster a good sense of self-esteem in your child and help them to feel secure in the knowledge they can handle many difficult situations and that you have their back.
So, how can you tell if your child is being bullied, and what can you do about it?
10. Signs that your child is being bullied, and what to do about it
The issue of what to do about bullying has come to the forefront in recent years as more and more examples of real-world bullying and cyberbullying have come to the public’s attention. A zero-tolerance attitude towards bullying can go a long way towards helping to stamp out bullying, but it can also mean that bullying becomes more subtle than a black eye or a nasty word, especially on social media.
On social sites, many users seem to think they can behave in whatever manner they wish behind a cloak of anonymity, and leave good taste, common sense, and plain human decency behind as they “flame” others. They leave vicious comments, post nasty photos and memes, and tell people things like they are “so ugly they should kill themselves”.
First, let’s be clear about what we mean by bullying. Bullying is a pattern of deliberate, aggressive behavior that involves an imbalance of physical or mental power or strength. It is NOT a “normal part of growing up”.
Signs That Your Child Is Being Bullied
Signs to look out for in your child that might indicate they are being bullied include:
* Has unexplained bruises or injuries
* Has few friends and spends a lot of time alone
* Seems afraid of going to school
* Appears to avoid school-related activities
* Loses interest in school
* Suddenly starts getting bad grades
* Comes home with torn or dirty clothes
* Has items start to go missing, such as clothes, books or other possessions
* Complains frequently of “being sick”
* Has trouble sleeping
* Loses interest in food
What to Do
If you note any of these signs, don’t just jump to conclusions. Talk with your child in an open-ended way. For example, you could say, “We’re hearing a lot about bullying in the news. Have you seen any of it going on at your school?”
You can also get an idea of who your child’s friends are and how they spend their time, by chatting to your child about his/her day. If they indicate they have no special friends and don’t eat lunch, travel on the bus or sit with anyone special in class, this could be a sign of isolation and ostracism.
If your child is being bullied, try hard not to over-react, and don’t encourage them to give back as good as they get. Instead, assure them that you love them and they have your support, and it is not their fault but the fault of the bully. Depending on how severe the bullying is, get the school involved. Talk to teachers, and then the principal or school counselor as needed.
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